I, Paul G Timmins, being duly sworn hereby depose and state:

I. Introduction

I am a crazy mofo, born in 1981, that lives in Madison Heights Michigan.

The facts set forth below are based upon my own personal observations, reports and information provided to me by others, and records I have obtained.

II. Statement of my day

On or about August 13, 2005, at approximately 1:30pm, I awoke to find myself hungry. I secured myself a meal of "california mix", a mixture of nuts, raisins, and various other healthy stuff. After consuming a reasonable sized amount of it, I found myself dissatisfied with the amount of food I had consumed, and its nutritional value. Finding this unhealthy, I left my room to make a proper meal. On or about August 13, 2005, 2:00pm, I cracked four eggs, whipping them in a bowl with a fork. I added several ingredients, including but not limited to: cut up green onions, cheese (specifically mexican blended cheese, from Meijer), white pepper, and garlic. This was cooked and prepared using a frying pan and spatula (a device fashioned from a heat resistant, flexible polymer, designed to agitate and shift around items in the art and/or craft of cooking) for about 5 minutes. The resulting mix was placed into a ceramic bowl, and eaten with a fork. During preparation, a white male (UNSUB 1), entered the house in search of tools and implements relating to the installation and testing of phone or data cable. UNSUB 1 retrieved such, and left to use the specialized implements in the process of practicing his craft.
Shortly afterwards, a white male (UNSUB 2) contacted me on my cellular telephone regarding the tune up and/or repair of my automobile, a 1983 Chevrolet S10 Blazer, license plate KC8QAY. At or around 4:00pm, I departed to the residence of UNSUB 2. UNSUB 2 was not present when I arrived, so I waited in his driveway and listened to music. At approximately 4:45 UNSUB 2 arrives at his residence, where I establish verbal communications. We looked at his motorcycle for a while. I observed UNSUB 2 change his oil, oil filter, and repair several elements of wiring. Several pictures were taken, submitted earlier, of various surroundings which I thought appropriately captured the beauty one finds even in the city. UNSUB 2 checks out my car, and confirms that I am indeed burning oil, but the majority of the smoke is due to my vehicle putting too much gas into the fuel/air mixture. he removed a non-critical part which would cause excessive fuel to be inserted during periods of high acceleration, which he informed me was a stopgap measure, and that my vehicle would likely need replacement in the near future to prevent further issues. I contacted a white male (UNSUB 3) and a white female (UNSUB 4) via telephone, confirmed plans, thanked UNSUB 2 for his help, and departed for home, collecting items belonging to UNSUB 3 and 4, ate a small meal consisting of a frozen food dish, and departed my residence to the residence of UNSUB 3 and 4. Upon arrival, I was greeted by their pets, specifically domesticated felines. I made physical contact with them several times to assure them I was no threat to them, and for the most part I was left unmolested. I was offered, and accepted, some sausage and a vegitable dish. I found it delicious. We discussed various issues of practical and dubious importance, and found enjoyment from such activities. We departed in UNSUB 4's car to a local ice cream parlor, to purchase ice cream. I purchased a large strawberry cone, costing $2.39. It was consumed prior to arrival back at the residence of UNSUB 3 and 4, and more discussions took place. At approximately 11:30pm, UNSUB 4 went to bed. UNSUB 3 and I stayed up, discussing more on previous topics. At around 1:30am, I excused myself to go to the bathroom, and went. We then continued discussions, and at around 2:30am, I departed. From there, I proceeded to the Speedway gas station, at 14 Mile and S Crooks Rd, where I added about $15.20 of unleaded 87 octane gasoline. I proceeded down 14 mile, eastbound, when I hit a large puddle around 14 Mile Rd and Rochester Rd, and my vehicle's sounds, previously muffled, were suddenly quite prounced. I pulled off into a gas station, and went below the vehicle. Confirming my suspicions, my muffler was dragging on the ground. I retrieved the undamaged muffler, and placed it in the back of my vehicle, and proceeded home. I arrived around 3am to my residence.

Based upon the information detailed in this affidavit, and upon my training and experience, I believe there is probable cause to state that my day was enjoyable, yet challenging, as always.

/s/
Paul G Timmins

Crusader Nabbed By Michigan Cops
Medieval sword, mallet, armor no match for ye olde Taser

AUGUST 5–Meet Robert McClain. The Michigan man, 42, was arrested last week after he attempted to literally go medieval on cops. According to the below Royal Oak Police Department report, officers were dispatched to McClain's home after a motorist called 911 to report that McClain had fled the scene of an auto accident. When they arrived at his crib, McClain allegedly tried to strike a cop with a four-foot sword. After missing, McClain retreated to his basement, where he donned a chainmail armored vest and leather gauntlets to protect his arms. He also added a giant wooden mallet to his arsenal and beckoned officers to come downstairs and get him. "I'm gonna crush your fucking skulls," McClain warned. Then, in a nice rhetorical flourish (for a lunatic, at least), he added, "I have a thousand years of power." That omnipotence, however, was no match for a police Taser, which felled McClain. He was then carted off and charged with felony assault and a misdemeanor count for failing to remain at an accident scene. (3 pages)

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/0805051sword1.html

This fucking flake lives about 5 miles from my house. haha.

Thanks to for the link. This made my day.